Self-Differentiated Leadership:
Being a leader comes with many challenging conversations. It’s especially hard to deal with others who consistently share differing opinions and who are highly emotional. Effective leaders, according to the book Crucial Conversations, are differentiated leaders who understand that leadership is all about the emotional process, or self-differentiation, of controlling one’s anxiety. Being a leader also comes with not giving in to the gossip or negativity that feels so easy to join. Not succumbing to these behaviors allows the leaders to stand out and bring others to admit their own emotions. As Alex Kaufman says, “The chief cause of stress and burnout is getting stuck in other people’s problems” (2014). The key here is being able to tolerate other people’s anxieties. However, many times, with this attitude comes sabotage where the unstable turns on the stable. While this seems like a loss for the leader, the non-anxious response defines the leader and is the key to moving the group forward.
My main takeaway from this information is the importance of self-care. It goes back to the oxygen mask in the airplane: the flight attendant always reminds us that we must put our oxygen masks on ourselves before we can do it for another. In other words, we must prioritize our own well-being before we can effectively support others. By tending to our own emotional needs, we gain better control over our thoughts and behaviors. Consequently, we become more emotionally stable and less susceptible to anxiety when confronted with others' intense emotions and viewpoints.
Overall, self-differentiated leadership is not an overnight revolution; it is a journey to maturity.
Crucial Conversations
Throughout this journey, numerous steps are involved in mastering the art of "crucial conversations.” My Innovation Plan, Empower: Blended Learning Leadership Program, cannot achieve success without engaging in difficult conversations, particularly with leaders who may not share my perspective.
To navigate these conversations effectively, I must consider the following:
Recognize crucial conversations: The first step to any hard conversation is identifying conversations that have high stakes, differing opinions, and strong emotions. This is the first step I will need to implement my Innovation Plan.
Master dialogue: Staying engaged, maintaining safety, and encouraging openness and honesty during conversations are key components to healthy relationships with my school district's stakeholders.
Start with the heart: This is the piece I love the most. No matter our differences, we all have one common goal in Nederland ISD, and that is we love and serve our kids. Starting with the heart involves focusing on those shared values and creating a foundation to build from.
Stay in dialogue when it matters most & make it safe: Most people in crucial conversations choose violence or silence when they become stressed or anxious. My job as a leader is to ensure dialogue is maintained as we stay focused, manage our emotions, and create a safe environment where respect and active listening are a priority.
Explore others’ paths: Finding common ground is extremely important in crucial conversations. This can only happen if we are open to listening to and understanding others’ perspectives.
Move to action: As a leader of the Empower Program, my goal is to get it off the ground as smoothly as possible. If I focus on effective dialogue I hope to make concrete actions and decisions and propel the program forward.
By prioritizing the steps for crucial conversations and maintaining self-care, I aim to lead my team with confidence, integrity, and a commitment to positive change. This journey is not without its challenges, but by staying true to the principles of self-differentiated leadership, I am confident that we can overcome obstacles and achieve our goals.
Alex Kaufaman. (2013, August 24). Friedman's Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/i9H-i9lHr28?si=fbC-hsI-0zNORe9x
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill Education.
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